outofthemind

i don't even know where to start.

SNOWBOARDING. i'm in love with a guy that i snowboard with every weekend, but we don't talk. we're friends on facebook but he won't really reply back to me.

DECA. i'm in a marketing organization, and i'm going to state this weekend to compete. Hopefully i move on to nationals, because then i'd be going to Anaheim, CA! My project is on taking chipotle to sweden. I really hope it works out, because i love my project. I've been close to killing my partner a couple of times though. it's working out currently, but WOW she was about to be hung.

LOVE. i'm also in love with this guy named Simon, but that's nothing new. i've been in love with him for the past 5 years, but we don't talk either. he has absolutely NO idea. but his face, his smile, his voice, his hair, his persona, everything about him is perfect! I also met this boy, although he is a year and a half younger than i am. I just kind of COMPLETELY fell for him. He's nice, and he's the only person that actually makes me feel good about myself. Our high school band is going to Austria soon, and i think we're sitting on the plane together. So we get to bond for 8 hours. I talk to him more than i talk to some of my best friends. How can i have such an amazing bond with him, and not with anyone else? I don't even get it. Why do i have to love the boys i can't  have?!!

DEATH. My grandpa died about 3 weeks ago. It was one of the saddest things of my life. It was the first time all of my cousins and i really bonded. Literally, i held hands with my cousin alexandra, and we just sat there and cried. It was the also the first open casket i've ever seen. I saw it, and just cried hysterically. I was pretty uncontrollable. Then there were pictures all around the room of me with him from the time i was a baby until recently, and i broke down.

WEIGHT.one of the biggest fucking issues of my life. I will probably swear about 20 times in the next 5 seconds. but i'm at 156 pounds as of this morning. i made a goal to myself on new years that i would write everything down, and for the first month, i lost about 10 pounds and it was fantastic, but now, i'm fucking back to where i started and i have to look professional this weekend for DECA and i'm fatter than everyone else, and so my skirts and pants and jackets obviously don't look as good as everyone else. And i can't loose 20 pounds in the next 3 days, otherwise i would do whatever it fucking takes, the problem is that i'm always with my parents for dinner and shit, so they always watch what i eat, and i just can't get around it. i tell myself when i go to bed that i won't eat the next day, but then LOW AND BEHOLD......i eat. wow, what a FUCKING SHOCKER. what the fuck do i do? i need to loose weight fucking NOW. i'm going to shoot a bitch until i am fucking normal again. i can't fucking stand comparing myself to everyone, every day, every minute, every second. it's pretty much all i concentrate on.

HOOK UPS. I don't remember what i've explained, but there was ryan, who's a bitch. we made out a lot but he only talks about himself. I REALLY WANT HIM STILL. my plan is to get really drunk next weekend and then call him and tell him i want him, but he never asks me about myself. And also, he told me his parents are going to be out of town like the first weekend of April....OOOOHHHHH. what's going down? idk yet. I actually just texted him because of this, and he asked me what's up! i don't think you realize that's a big deal. I acutually don't know what i would do if we decided to hook up again, i'm so scared of anything else, considering i'm REALLY inexperienced. aaahhh.

NFTY. i'm running for president again emily. fuck that i'm going to win. i'm actually completely not sure and i have so many doubts. but she is just such a fucking cunt, i could care less.

this was so long. but that's my life.
i realize no one reads this, but if you do, send me a hello

i have to do homework but i'm making a promise my current life story will come out in about an hour, it will put me to sleep.

SO FAR TODAY.
life is good.
i actually started playing the piano again.
it's been  years.
i think it's the start of something good!
i'm currently learning to play bella's lullaby in twilight, and i'm super happy about it.
i went out to lunch with my mom.
we had omelets, yum.
i'm about to run out the door to ACT tutoring.
ew.
anyways.
i realized that no body actually reads this and i'm technically just writing to myself
but it makes me feel good
i feel like i'm getting everything out that i needed to
:)
it's been a while since i've been able to do that.
oh yeah, and i love my dad.
a lot.

holy shit. it has been a REALLY long time.
i'm out of control and need a new venting system.
i need a new way to tell people how i fell when they don't really know who i am.
SO. life?
over the summer i finally made out with someone, but they were horrible.
then made out with my friend's coworker
then made out with this guy who hooks up with EVERYONE
then made out with this guy i met in an elevator.
...this was all within 2 months and it was awesome!
School is fucking hard. i actually am about to burst my brains out.
my mom went to conferences today and i thought she was going to yell at me but instead she was really happy!
i made cookies with 2 of my girl friends and a guy that i really like.
it was at his house, and he was really nice to me:)
i'm taking ACT practice and i basically want to die. my teacher is so fucked up.
I saw the movie twilight last night. it was the most amazing movie i've ever seen.
i cried my eyes out, and i NEVER cry.
i visited my sister in New York and got SMASHED. but it was hilarious.
i beat this guy in fooseball so he bought me a pictcher.
i've tried to stop eating. it doesn't work.
i'm fed up. i need suggestions. seriously.
help?

wow.
it's been a long time.
jeez. since valentines day?
alright...this might take a while, but i've got 20 minutes to kill.
SO.
i can't remember a lot of what's happened since then.
i got my weight up to 150. gross.
but then i talked to my mom a lot, and by being really healthy, and in control, it's now down to 143.5
boys suck.
i told this guy i liked him, he told me he liked me,
so i invited him over to watch across the universe/disturbia
twice
and he never called me back
yesterday i finally deleted the text message he sent me saying he liked me
that felt really good
i'm running for a regional position on my jewish community board on friday.
wish me luck.
i started taking anti-depressant medication.
i can't even explain how much better i feel.
i went to mexico for spring break
this bar tender at our hotel tried to get me to party and drink with him.
i told him he could loose his job and i walked away
i've recently been listening to A LOT of chimaira, job for a cowboy, and damien rice.
I know...complete opposites, right?
i painted my nails bright orange yesterday.
i started eating corn flakes.
they're amazing, you should as well.
i also started playing ultimate frisbee.
i'm one out of three girls on the entire team, but the only girl that actually goes and plays
the other two never show up. so that's fun.
i miss snowboarding. it seriously kept me alive.
but next season i am going to be a student instructor, and also be involved in races and stuff like that.
I went on a band trip to chicago. (i play percussion)
it was crazy fun. unexplainable.
My best friend in 8th grade and i finally talked about why we weren't as close, and i basically told her that i felt like she didn't care about me anymore, and she said that she always loved me. that was a good moment.
i can't wait for summer.
i'm going on a fishing trip, to camp for a month, and then to yale to study percussion and marketing.
I started crying because i was telling someone how much i love my best friend.
it was intense. hard to explain.
and probably a lot of other stuff has happened
but i can't exactly think of it at the moment.
OH. so this guy that i've had a crush on forever likes my sister and basically keeps asking her out.
he's my age and she's three years older.
fuck that.
anyways, that's all.
maybe.

asfskljfffuck.
i was being really healthy today.
and then i had to go screw it up and have a bunch of shit tonight.
even though i exercized and burned 300 calories...i feel like a massive balloon just chilling with nothing to do.
ah, i hate the days like these.
i do so well when i go to chill with my dad after work.
i seriously don't eat a thing. and it's great fun.
i got down to 140, by the way. (after it went back up to 142 a couple days ago)
so tomorrow it's probably going to be 141.
because i'm super super unstable and shit.

but for valentines day...it was kind of nice. this guy sent me a message on facebook yesterday, and he said, "you're my valentine tomorrow, right?"
( i didn't really know i was...but that works...)
so i said definitely!
so we made valentines for eachother in spanish class. it was really nice.

but that other guy, devin. he's an asshole. damn boy hasn't called me back. and it's been a week. so i think i'm just going to let it go.

i got my iPod taken away yesterday in class. that was kind of funny. but no one told me my music was too loud. so i  then felt stupid.

i bored. sitting in my room. i've been doing that for about the past...2 hours? maybe? just sitting doing nothing.
i would play my drums, except for the small fact that my sisters friends are over, and i don't like for other people to hear me.
i'm going to get my snowboard waxed in an hour or so.
i ate eggs today. and then a shitload of cheese.
last night i was 139.5, but this morning i am 141.
i think it's because i was dehydrated.
fuck.
i really i hope i can get back into the zone with atkins.
as long as i can loose 2 pounds per week, i will have lost 12 pounds by spring break (i think)
and then i will be 130.
i'm hoping this will work. I'm going to be so strict on myself.
i made a community.
entirely music based.
incase any of you fine people want to join it, it's called MUSICobsession.
no one's posted in it yet, or joined it, so i feel like a loser.
oh well. that's cool.
i stole a chapstick yesterday. then i felt like a rebel.
my snowboarding trip for today got cancelled. so i feel like a bum.
and today i just feel fucking fat.
many, many emotions going around in my head at the moment.
i called the guy i like last night.
he didn't answer though, so i left him a message. surprise, surprise.
i think i might fast tomorrow. so i don't feel like crap anymore.

Today was a good day.

kind of.

well...i had a dream about that guy that i really like...he just stood there and hugged me really tightly for about 5 minutes, and then told me he liked me..
but then i woke up.
FUCK.
why can't life just be a fairytale?

anyways...

i was really good eatingwise all day. and i went snowboarding. and my weight is down to 139.5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that's almost my lowest. (138)
i'm reallllllllllllllly excited now.
hellz yeah.


so...what is that minus now? 7.5 pounds.

exciting.


OH. I NEED ADVICE. how do you find out if someone is into you or not. OR. how do you just tell them you like them. in a non-awkward way?

So guess what...yesterday i actually ended up having the entire box of bars. which was 5. FIVE FUCKING BARS.

that was 550 calories, and 40 grams of fiber. i don't need fiber, thanks.
so my stomach ended up freaking hurting last night.
but then i exercised and burned off 3 of the bars, so that was nice.

Then today was perfect, it actually couldn't have been any better.
So:
breakfast:omelet
lunch:tuna lettuce wrap from school
snack: ONLY ONE atkins bar
dinner: lettuce wraps from Big Bowl !!!!
dessert: atkins ice cream bar

it sounds like a lot...but this is one of the most days in control i've ever had. seriously. like...i didn't even begin to eat more than i should've today. WWOOOO HOOOOO. props to that.

on the other side of the day...I got an A on my math quiz, which is really good for me. that class is fucking hard. I have a 104.7 percent in science class.

I was really bored in English, so i found out my birthday is also..."National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day"
bahahaha. like i need to celebrate that for myself. aaaaaaaahahaha.

I might possibly see devin tomorrow. the guy who i like, but have no idea if he likes me.
like...he's given me SO many hints that he's into me, but SO many that he's not. I'm just so confused. I just want to know if he likes me or not, and i also just want him to know that i like him. Any thoughts???

GOODNIGHT!!!!

----------------------------------------------
"It would take no sherlock holmes to see it's no different around here"
"over there there's friends of mine, what can i say, i've known them for a long, long time"

fuck.

so i've been really good about being on atkins for the past three days, but today i had 3 bars in a row. each with 110 calories. HOLY FUCK. that's fucking a lot. that's 330 calories. and 9 grams of carbs. i think i could kill myself right now. i've tried so hard, and i've waited to be ketotic, and it's not happening, because i have to go and fucking screw it all up. whatever. hopefully this weekend it'll actually kick in, because i'm going snowboarding. and i generally loose 1.5 pounds when i go boarding. per day, and i'm going saturday and sunday!!!!!

I HATE LIFE.

why does it have to be so difficult?

and guys suck. story of my life..

school is a joke.

friends are unpredictable.

AAAAHHHHHHHHH. it's times like these i just want to chill in my own little corner, scream, listen to opeth, and not do anything, just sit.

i'm going to play for pep band at my school in a little bit. but i have a feeling NONE of my friends are going to be there. that's going to SUCK. but i kind of feel like i have to go.

________________________________
Florescent adolescent ::Arctic Monkeys
"the best you've ever had was just a memory"

HELLLLZZZZZZ YYYYEEEEAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!!!


so I was on atkins for 2 weeks, and lost 9 pounds. i was freaking happy with myself. i went from 147-138. that's a big deal for me! but then I went on a trip to Colorado, and my downward spiral started again. So then I went back up to 142, and today i'm finally in control again!! I am back on atkins officially...as of today. Today wasn't AS STRICT as i hoped it to be, but it's decent. I needed that little jump start.

SCHOOL WISE:: I got my grades from last semester, and they're pretty good!! I have a cumulative gpa of 3.7, so i'm happy about that. and this semester, i'm already doing a lot better than i thought i would!! woooohoooo.

BOY WISE: they fucking suck. they can't tell you what they're thinking, so girls have to go through fucking emotional drama that is ridiculous and doesn't even make any sense. so then girls are stuck debating whether or not to make a move, or say something, because guys are too big of pussies.

I found a new type of game of solitaire...it's called montana. Go to worldofsolitaire.com, and go play montana. it's like the best thing ever.

I also signed up for a program this summer at Yale University, so it's going to be TIGHT! crazy crazy fun. woooowww. considering i've never really done anything where i can have that much freedom, it's going to be one hell of a time! (i wont get into too much trouble though...:D)

 so it's been a freakishly long time. 
but all is going well.
my mom and i started a pact together that everyday i would go over everything with her, and it's been 2 weeks since then, and i've lost 2 pounds! that's really good progress for me, and it's going very steadily. it's a good pace.

school is decent, i had a band concert last night. it went over really well. I'm starting to get into a new group of friends. They're a LOT more fun than other people. and they're just genuinely nice.

I also started snowboarding again this year. I'm obsessed. There is honestly nothing better than snowboarding. My favorite memories come from my friends and i on saturdays, when we always go together. Last saturday I met this guy, and we became friends, he snowboards, and drums, and WOW. that's all i can say.

I lost my phone...actually i think it's crushed in my school parking lot? so i just went out and got a new phone, so now my mom and my dad think i'm responsible. it's nice.

and i scheduled drum lessons, FINALLY.  so now i can actually be better than just ok.

So i haven't posted in a while. 
My eating habits are worse than ever, jeez.
I hate it. but at least i get to go snowboarding on saturday.  If life could just be perfect by then, that would be FANTASTIC, but that's not going to work out now is it?!, no...not really. 

my grandma got in town today. she's such a crazy greek!! 

I went to cincinnati over the weekend, and had a LOT of fun. I went with my temple, and all of my friends are so incredibly nice. Having friendships is amazing. 

When i was driving with my mom today, i looked up into the big black sky, wondering how the sky could just go on and on and on forever. that makes NO sense whatsoever to me. I realized how small i was in comparison to the rest of the world. Well there's a thought.

Then my mom might get this job offer, IN FLORIDA. that means moving half-way accross the country. I think i'm fine with it, but i've had two dreams now where it's obvious that in the back of my mind, it's not  ok. I don't want to tell my mom about them, because i really do like the idea. 

And then i realized that my friend ben is like my brother. I telll him everything, and he listens. I need to call him and talk to him, but he's not picking up his phone. I really don't know what i would do without him..

And the last thing i realized, i always talk about myself, and I feel terrible. I draw attention to myself, and i HATE MYSELF AFTERWARDS for doing it. fuck. WHY IS LIFE SO LAME?!?!?!?!

**if anyone wants to talk, my sn is creativexcrazy22  ---aol

So today I had a band lessons, but nothing was prepared. So I asked my band director for reccomendations of books, and he gave me three books, and 5 songs to play by next week!! aahh!! i guess that's better than an f for the day though. (if you're not prepared for your lesson, you get an f.)

I was just laughing hysterically with my sister, as we were watching random videos on youtube. (daxflame is HILARIOUS.)

Friends make days so much better, seriously. I have a friend that i can just tell EVEYTHING to, and he doesn't care. I can honestly just keep talking for hours, and hours, and hours, and i can't to that with anyone else. 

I felt sick today, but i think i am just crazy excited for snowboarding.

I kind of ate healthy today. kind of. the end of the day wasn't as good, but it started out well! I had a good mindset!

Guys are clueless, and it sucks. High school sucks in general.

Today  was a relatively good day. The weekend was fantastic. I went to my first "real" party. My sister took me to her friend's house.  although we only stayed for 15 minutes, it was a lot of fun. It was my first experience around drugs and alcohol, but it didn't phase me at all. 

I've been eating more than every lately, and i'm trying to stop it, but it's not exactly working. I think i have issues that need to be resolved. This morning, my mom was asking me why i was in my room all the time, and what i'm hiding from. I'm not fucking hiding, though! I was doing my homework, cleaning my room,checking my email, and getting dressed. I guess she's just afraid that i'm going to be depressed again. (last year)  It doesn't make it any better that my sister complains about her "imperfect" body, when she is beautiful, she just doesn't see it. She always says, "my stomach is sticking out, i feel so fat, i have love handles," and i just want to SCREAM at her and pull my hair out. 

My mom is at an interview right now in a different state, so there is a 50/50 chance i would move to Florida, that's kind of creeping me out.

Starting right now, i am posting entries every day, they just make me feel so releived and better about myself. They keep me reliable to what i did over the day, I feel like I have to say everything, and there is nothing to hide.

And starting tomorrow, i'm eating HEALTHY. i can't bring myself to not eat, so i decided to start off healthy. i am going to be writing everything i've eaten. BECAUSE I FEEL FUCKING DISGUSTING.

but in 11 days i get to snowboard. that is when life begins.
---------------------------------
"Passive" by A Perfect Circle
Wake up and face me
Don't play dead, 'cuz maybe
someday i'll walk away and say
"You fucking dissapoint me, maybe you're better off this way"

17 more days until I can snowboard, 17 more days until i can live. I'm counting down, and the days are slowly coming. They couldn't go any slower. 
Clueless people kind of ruin my day...my spanish teacher has absolutely no idea what she's doing, and i have no idea what this one guy even thinks...why can't people just say what is on their fucking mind??!?! 

I don't even want anything major. I want hold and to be held in return. I want to look and be looked at. I want to smile and know that what i'm feeling isn't just going one way. I want to hold onto a feeling and know it's not just pointles.

anyway...i have a rediculous amount of tests this week...i should probably be studying right now, but this is clearing my head. For the past couple of days, i'll be just sitting still, and then i'll get this feeling like something is just about to burst. Like, i'll be writing with my pen or pencil, and i just feel like my hands are going to erupt. Or my ears will get really sensitive to noise and i feel like they are going to burst open too!!
it's weird as hell. 

my mom might get a job in florida, and i would move with her. that's weird to think about.

Last saturday night, I had a dream that ended up being interpreted as me being angry, upstet, and scared.
-In that dream, i kept running away from my fears, chasing them, almost getting killed, and then running back to get saved...this sequence happened about 3 times.
EVER since then, i've had dreams about running. In every single dream i've had since then, i'm running away, or sprinting, or some form of running, and it's starting to scare me. I don't think i'm that angry, or scared, or upset. I want to go deep inside of my head and think of all of my thoughts. I want to see all of the visuals. Find the earliest memories, those still life pictures in the file cabinets of a 2  year old. Disect my innermost feelings that i didn't even know i had. I want to know why i make the decisions i do. What makes me succeed, and why i fail. What makes me happy and what makes me upset. 

I want to know why i just started crying when a specific song came on. What triggers that in my brain. What feelings come to mind.

 So i'm obsessed with snowboarding. seriously obsessed. so my smart self today decided that i wanted to watch my burton snowboarding movie. now...i'm like a little 10 year old boy that wants to have sex. SERIOUSLY, i just want to get out on a mountain so badly. I want to get better and better, because i realize i'm not going to be good enough to go to the olympics. it's so upsetting. I watch all of these people do flips in the air, and i just want to be there with them. There is nothing I want more than to be either --a. in the olympics in some country other that the US, or b. to be able to go to Vallenevado, Chile and snowboard with the Burton crew. 

So I just got back from a halloween party, it was pretty fun. Lots of fun people. 

I'm rediculously excited to start snowboarding again. (21 days!!) I've been watching SO many youtube videos and AHHH i want to go. :)

I saw a quote today. It really struck me, "Don't be a stereotype."   I don't know, i guess i just really liked it. 

Someone today sent me a text message who i haven't talked to since the spring. That was nice to hear; it definetly made me smile.

 I don't know how to stop over eating. I just start and i can't stop. It disgusts me EVERY DAY. but i just do it...I don't even know why.  It's crazy, I know. Why can't i just be normal? I want to look like everyone else...not afraid in a swimsuit

I just want a fresh start. to start all over again.
any suggestions or advice?